'Kaal' re Kaal
 

Soham met his boss Karan Johar (KJ) one good morning with a four-word script described as 1. The, 2. Blair, 3. Witch, and 4. Project. KJ fell into ‘Moham’ of Soham’s idea and hair locks and thus was made the ‘Soham Moham’ film called ‘Kaal’ with active connivance of Yash Chacha and Shahrukh Bhai (SRK). The film has done Dhamal on the box office on its opening weekend. KJ, SRK, and Yash Chacha, they will all make money. Multiplex owners will make money anyway by selling Pepsi-Samosa-Popcorn combos.

Isi baat pe ek khas ‘sher’ arz kiya hai, us zubaan mein jo aksar filmon ke sets per istemaal ki jaati hai.

Maal banao maal
Pepsi-Popcorn pila khila ke
Nangi taange nacha dikha ke
Maal banao maal

Film art ki aisi taisi
Kar ke in bhanduon ne rakh di
Kala hui kangal
Kaisa aaya hai ye kaal

Maal banao maal
Chaman chutiyon!
Thok taal pe taal, banao maal

Now let me expose you to some really rollicking frolicking roaring soaring views of a naami girami film aficionado from Lalu Land. He goes by the name of Subhash K. Jha.

‘Spooked and stunned, you stumble out of KAAL with deep thoughts on the future of the horror genre in Bollywood. In case you thought shiver givers were passé, here's a wake-up call. KAAL shows us how it's to be done without dumping-down the genre, or stepping too hard and fast on peripheral scares…Creaky doors are out, rustles in the jungle are in. Catch the mood of growing foreboding as a bunch of yell-matched cocky and quip-equipped youngsters step into the uncharted territory of an animal sanctuary... Like all capable spook sojourns KAAL takes a bit of time to grow on you. Once you fall into the fearful rhythm you are in for a rollicking scare. There has never been a horror film quite like this one.’

So, now we know that Lalluisation of Patna, if not the whole of Bihar, is total. Aur Jha ji bhadaiti mein lage hain film industry ke andhe rajaon ki. It won’t work though. The film will be dead at the box office by the next weekend. Because it is a horribly bad horror film which can send shivers and chills up the non-existent spines of Maithil Brahmins like Jha alone.
 

Horror films exemplify the triumph of cinematic art and technique over other art forms. They demand a kind of artistic and technical virtuosity other cinema genres may do without. From direction, scripting, acting, camera work, editing, music composition, art direction, production design, action choreography, special effects, make up, sound effects, to all other departments of filmmaking, you have to be at your technical best to create a genuine horror flick that leaves palpable and immediate impact, emotional as well as physical, on its viewers.

So, when Jha asserts that there has never been a horror film quite like Kaal, he heaps ignominy on this great art form. Look at the paean he is singing in a colourful language that can even shame the bards of Lalu, Rabari, Sonia, and Rahul. Or is it that Jha Ji cannot antagonise Yash Chacha, KJ, and SRK Bhai, the reining gods of Bollywood? Sajan kyon na jhoot bolein, aur zameeni devataon se nahin darenge to rasgulla aur murg mussalam kaise chabhenge pandit ji. Khuda ke paas jab jayenge tab na jayenge.

It is a film about girls on a jungle safari in ultra mini skirts and skin-tight hot pants and guys going for shikaar of shers and rabbits with ‘thain thain’ pistols. They meet a killer bhoot on the way whose reflection cannot be seen on dark nights in the water of a jungle well, and whose image cannot be recorded on videotape and who tells his five-minutes long story to his intended victims in two hours. The guy is particularly kind to and in the awe of the big stars. Though he kills everyone else like drivers, guides, and other junior artistes as he wills, the fool walks the most expensive stars to their escape route. He also talks too much and in the process reveals the climax of the story in the beginning and leaves nothing for you to guess and get shocked of or shaken about. It is a horror film where the audience already knows the unknown as the film employs all the KNOWN methods, that have been used to scare cinema audiences in the long pantheon of such films, in the most ludicrous and artless manner. It flounders miserably in all its attempts to raise even the tiniest hair of your skin or scalp. The tigers, referred to as shers, are as meek and submissive as donkeys and they stalk their prey in a pack defying all known and established norms of tiger behaviour.

The National Geographic tag must not fool you into believing that there is something authentic about Kaal. This is not a National Geographic film. Actually, the National Geographic should desist from getting into these kinds of marketing deals. It devalues its good name.

The writer/director combo has treated the female leads Esha and Lara very badly. They look like unappetising, rubbery, artificially coloured, and juiceless tandoori chickens that hang naked outside roadside dhabas. These lady pehalwaans with heavily exercised and hardened abs, biceps, triceps, and thighceps, deliver loud and fake shrieks on cue when they are struck by horror. They stay clean, well dressed, and made up all through their jungle jamboree. When will they learn to earn their livelihood honestly by turning into competent actors? And why cannot they be like women? What is the need to compete with musclemen? There are plenty of them around. Why do they have to take professor Higgins’ exhortations so seriously?

Kaal has an unimaginative script, combined with pedestrian direction and performances, and topped with a piece of synthetic cherry in the form of a cheap item number by SRK and Malaika with their favourite latkas and jhatkas. Even technically, the film achieves nothing. Deepak Tijori’s ‘Khamossh’ is way ahead in its horror and 'technique' quotient. The much-hyped scene of Kaal, where heroes and heroines encounter a trio of tigers, is the lamest and tamest of all. It is a pathetic and embarrassing piece of direction when Vivek Oberoi starts shooting his pistol in the air when faced with the big cats as if he is defending himself from Mogambo’s idiotic goons.

The new breed of filmmakers has this problem. They don't trouble their tiny inexperienced brains to think through a scene logically to lend credence to it. They operate with very limited as well as borrowed but undigested visualization capacity. The Blair Witch Project, Kaal’s chief inspiration, could have been used as a Bible, Quoran, and Geeta of horror film making by a discerning filmmaker to create a technically perfect masterpiece. Soham could have studied and interpreted the nuances of the film carefully, and could have worked out his script adaptation and direction strategy properly. He did not do it. He is such a bad student of cinema. So are many others. These directors cannot even direct their actors competently. This puts an untrained actor like Lara Dutta on a slippery ground. She will never grow into a competent actor if she continues to do Kaal kind of roles under directors like Soham.

Generally the first film of a filmmaker turns out to be his best as he makes it with great passion, preparation, perseverance, and penchant to give to the audience what it has not experienced before. It does not show through in ‘Kaal’. It is a film by a charlatan, a con artist. Soham needs to work much harder on his art and craft instead of bullshitting around to the young things of TV media. What can be more insulting to a filmmaker when his film's promos and publicity get greater appreciation than his film? That is what Kaal is all about - triumph of promotion and publicity over film art.

The day is not far when some ultra-smart guy will go to a consumer court to demand refund of his ticket money and compensation for mental and physical torture for the false and fraudulent promises made by the big stars and big banners. Going by the market theory, what is a film after all if not an entertainment product. If it does not deliver on its promise, the consumer has the right to get his/her money back.