Jaane Tu…and Charlie Bartlett

A mama has done whatever he could to promote his bhanja. Aamir Khan has proven himself to be a great uncle, producer, promoter, publicist, manager par excellence who works with well-defined objectives and goes all out to achieve them.

Bhagwaan kare sab ko Aamir jaisa mama aur producer mile. Kismet ban jaayegi, film mein kuch ho ya na ho chal jaayegi. At least for the moment, till brand Aamir continues to rise and shine. A few more films like Jaane Tu and Aamir Khan Productions will be down in the dumps.  

And for those who want to learn a lesson in how to sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo in Alaska or promote garbage as wholesome health food, Aamir Khan’s high-voltage, all-pervasive promotion of Jaane Tu will serve as a classic case study. Some of the reactions to the film are like a rape victim exclaiming, ‘Oh, it was not bad. I liked the fucking experience’. Of course you liked being fucked by the celebrated Aamir Khan. After having been cajoled and convinced into spending Rs.250 on a multiplex ticket by the ubiquitous Mamu-Bhanju events on TV, it is impossible to admit ‘I have been had’.

But you have been had. You have been shortchanged. Had you spent that money to watch a film titled Charlie Bartlett showing next door, you would know what I am talking about. The film will provide a lot of nourishment to you -- intellectual, emotional, metabolic, metaphysical, comic, dramatic, and artistic. And it is an inexpensive film about college life, same genre as Jaane Tu, but a rewarding audio-visual experience, with a truly humorous script and fine performances by the cast, especially the kid who plays Charlie Bartlett.

On a scale of 0-10, if Charlie Bartlett gets a perfect ten, Jaane Tu scores a sub-zero.

I think the Board of Film Certification in India should introduce a new category for films like Jaane Tu called  MR (Films suited for the Mentally Retarded). It will also go a long way in determining the percentage of MR in our population. How do we recognize the MR? By their most important characteristic – they tend to laugh at anything and everything. They cannot stop laughing. They have a face like that. They don’t talk, they laugh. They can even laugh at the empty cinema screen. Inspect their palms and look for the missing line of intelligence. Look into their eyes. They will be blank. They have to be.  There is nothing behind them, except dark empty space.

Jaane Tu is a story of a girl and a boy who are just friends and at the fag end of the film they actually realize that they love each other and express it in the nick of time before being separated forever. This is all there is to it. But have we not seen so many of such films? Yes. We have. Jaane Tu is the worst of the lot, in terms of story-telling, direction, characterizations, and performances. And khullamkhulla refuses to analyze this meaningless and boring compost. So many MR critics are doing it with great gusto, encouraging others of their ilk to sample this hogwash.

You know what I am hinting at. Save your money, go and watch Charlie Bartlett before its run is over and thank me for the tip later if you feel up to it.

RKS